goals with integrity
I have to be honest with you all - writing this blog and embarking on this “adulting” e-book project is terrifying. I’m overwhelmed with “idea collection”. I’m a list maker, and I’ve enumerated all the topics I want to cover in one giant master list that seems to be continually expanding into a fire-breathing beast that’s out of my control.
In short, I didn’t know where to start.
A few weeks ago, I gave a talk to some incredible students at Cal State Northridge. I told my story (which, I suppose, I should relate here at some point) for the first time in public; this led into one heck of an amazing dialogue about what Gen Z’ers want to know - what they feel like is missing in “education.” What life skills they need. How to survive. How to start out. And while I felt like I gave some solid answers, I ended up walking away 1. profoundly moved by their experiences (what a privilege it was to hear their perspectives!) and 2. full of more questions for myself about HOW to teach the techniques of adulting that have worked for me.
Then I took a bit of a break here on the blog, went on a short (much-needed) vacation, and wrote a ton of stuff I have no plans to publish. Yet.
It dawned on me literally at dawn today, running at the beach, this “starting” point.
The thing about adulting is: true adulting means that you take 100% responsibility for yourself. This means your speech, your actions, the choice of who you associate with, the types of relationships you keep in your life, your financial decisions, and your career path. If something doesn’t work out, if you’re really an adult, you don’t immediately blame others. It’s never about blame. Instead, you look at the cascading ripple effect of choices that YOU made that contributed to where you are.
Adulting means: you realize that you are 100% free to make your own decisions.
There is a huge amount of “overwhelm” if you realize this. If you blame others - for example, if you think that you have to behave a certain way because of family obligations, your choices are limited. And that is actually - while somewhat stifling - somewhat of a relief because those obligations only open a set amount of paths. Not all paths.
On the other hand, if you look out on the horizon as I did today at dawn, and think, “I could literally run in any direction I choose”, it’s easy to become paralyzed. When no one and no one thing are telling you “go here”, it’s easy to start running in circles. Instead, you need to figure out your own plan of attack. Your own route. Your own reasons.
Sometimes life cracks open like an egg. It can hurt immensely, but later on, you realize that “cracking open” is the beginning of true freedom. I went through this myself several years ago with my divorce. It was highly traumatic - splitting from a husband I had been with for over 15 years. I was so young and inexperienced when I married him that I literally had no idea who I was. My career, my hobbies, my past times - they revolved around him. Yes, I became a fairly successful musician and sound designer during the period of my marriage, but in my deepest heart of hearts, that’s not what I wanted to be. My ex was a musician, and music/sound was the only real thing we had in common, so I clung to that identity. When we split, I had NO clue what to do next, and it was terrifying. I blamed him for the loss of a teaching career (in music), for forcing me to stand in his shadow (through continually working for him instead of for myself), for depleting our savings (because of his addictions, and because I gave him complete control of our finances since that was easier than arguing).
At first, I felt like a hamster on a wheel - spinning. I had no idea how to start over.
But today, I’m sitting here with a new, successful business as a tattoo shop owner. (And I earned my pilot’s license, with much more flight training to come!) I’m infinitely happier than I’ve ever been before.
How did I do this?
It was all about:
Realizing I now had 100% freedom to make new decisions
Relinquishing blame for my own past decisions - making myself responsible for my choices rather than seeing them as a consequence of a relationship
Setting goals that had integrity
This is the lesson of this blog post - before you can go out into the world with a sense of purpose, it’s incredibly important to first set a goal with integrity. A goal with integrity is both about you and not about you. A goal with integrity is about something greater than yourself that you take 100% responsibility for. However, a goal with integrity is one that you choose, and NOT one that some other person or entity has chosen for you. And if you don’t have any goals with integrity, you may end up on that same spinning hamster wheel I did at first, aimless and not sure where to go. When all paths are open, how do you choose?
First, realize: goals that are all “Because = Me” (BM) are a waste. While you may achieve some measure of “success,” you may find that achievement isolating. Empty. A “now what?” in the end that you continually have to top. If your goal is simply to become an instagram influencer, for example, and you achieve that, you end up with a bunch of followers. Maybe even some kickbacks from ad placements. And that’s cool, but really what was the point?
Goals that are both about you and your larger place in the universe are more motivating. By setting goals in this way, you are accountable to yourself AND to others. Going back to the instagram influencer example, if you set a goal to become an influencer to help raise awareness of an issue or to give back in some way, you may find a larger motivating factor to get up in the morning and to do the actual work. You end up with followers, and maybe those kickbacks, but you may end up with a greater sense of satisfaction and purpose and impact because you’ve helped others along the way.
I used to follow a self-help guru that talked a great deal about our “shadow selves,” those parts of ourselves we hide and that we are often ashamed of. I learned an exercise to get to the bottom of a shadow self from this guru, and it simply involved asking “why.”
When you set a goal, write it down. Then write your “why.”
Read your why. Then ask yourself why THAT why. It’s like a two year old’s game - the “why” game. It’s annoying, but it’s necessary.
In my case, with the opening of my latest tattoo business, I asked myself:
Why do I want own my own business, instead of working for someone else?
Because I can control my own environment. Why?
Because I’ve worked in a lot of shops that haven’t felt safe. Why?
Because those shops weren’t centered around clients and they often hired sketchy people who harassed me and my clients. Why?
Because those shops weren’t tattoo-artist owned, and the owners had a single motivating factor - to make as much money as possible, as quickly as possible. And those shops tended to fold pretty quickly!
I had a bunch of “a ha’s” over this. I could be a good owner. I could provide a safe space for everyone. And because I do, I could actually make more money than I ever did before because I’ve created something unique in my industry. I could feel good about myself too, because I am in some small way helping others by keeping them safe and taking them seriously.
My goal became a mission statement - to provide a safe space for all to express themselves through body art. Once I had this in place, it actually became easy to get the business rolling. I was able to communicate what I was doing specifically. I attracted clients who wanted my services because of my mission. And I started making a decent living again.
If you’re overwhelmed, realizing you have all the possible options open to you, go through the asking of “why.” If the why keeps coming back to “because I want to,” that can be OK for the short term, but it might not sustain you when the waters get rough. Accountability to something greater than yourself can actually be a life raft at times! But you and ONLY you should set the terms of where you decide to sail.