the three definitions of adulting

When I was a young girl, the word “adult” was a noun.  I simultaneously dreaded the idea of becoming an adult, while at the same time, I couldn’t wait to grow all the way up and get the heck out of my house to do whatever the heck I wanted to do.  To become an “adult” was to be free, but also to have immense responsibility, the likes of which I wasn’t sure I wanted to bear on my, say, 10 year old shoulders.  

As a child, I wondered: how is it done, this mystical act of being an adult?

Today, the word “adult” has morphed into a verb for an activity.  “To adult”, when used derisively, means taking care of crap one would rather ignore, for example.  “Adulting” is a hashtag on social media, often typed in order to get accolades for actually doing something responsible; it’s become a digital badge of honor, this adulting activity!  At its best, adulting is finding work, going to work, paying bills, cleaning the toilet, filing your taxes on time, saving for retirement in a variety of relatively safe investment strategies, carrying the correct types of insurance policies lest any unforeseen disaster arise, etc.  Basics.

Well, for me, they’re basics.  For young people in their early 20s, these might still be mystical ideals.  If no one’s ever explained “how,” OF COURSE these tasks might seem insurmountable - and dreaded. I don’t blame young people one bit for being mystified by the process of adulting.  I know I was when I left the nest.

I’m writing from the perspective of someone in GenX, someone born in the 70s.  I left home at 16, and never looked back.  I started working full time by 17, and never took a break for something like a “gap year” backpacking across Europe.  Nope.  I adulted from the get-go, because if I hadn’t, I would have starved.  Literally.  I didn’t have the luxury of asking anyone for help - I’m someone who’s been estranged from my family for years and years and years, as I came from an abusive family environment.  Taking help came with crazy strings attached that undoubtedly would result in severe psychological trauma, so I went it alone.

I learned: if I wanted something, if I wanted to go somewhere, to do anything, I had to figure it out by myself.

I thought college would help me with “adult” skills, but I found out quickly that rather than help, college hindered in many ways.  One - it was exceedingly difficult to balance college with several part-time jobs.  Two - most of my professors (especially once I made it into master’s and doctoral programs) told me that I needed to focus entirely on school rather than making a living.  Take out loans, they said.  Ignore the outside world, they said.

I’m so glad I didn’t.  Today, I have a PhD (albeit one that I no longer “use” in terms of my current employment situation), and zero student loan debt.

I’ve been thinking a great deal about adulting recently, as I interact nearly daily with members of the iGen, or GenZ, young people under the age of about 25.  I’ve seen such a sense of anxiety in this demographic, fear at having to engage in more “adult” activities, a slower rate of “growing up” (delaying leaving home, driving, etc.), fear of being unsafe, a sense of words as violence...many of the same things other writers talk about in books on this generation.

Rather than look at members of this generation with derision, I look at them with compassion.  I see myself at that age, and remember the anxiety, the confusion, the angst.  And when I was that age, I didn’t have a smartphone in my hand.  I do firmly believe that technology is both a blessing and a curse, that social media brings us together and drives us apart simultaneously.  The technological revolution of the past ten years, even, is something we don’t yet understand; we don’t yet have any idea of the possible psychological and physical evolution we are undergoing due to being in constant connection over the internet.

Constant connection creates constant noise.  How can a young person possibly focus on learning to “adult” while they’re continually assaulted by an endless stream of conversation, information, headlines, conflicting advice, “fake news”? How does a young person know what to believe, when all points of view have been democratized?

I suggest that learning “to adult” focuses on three concepts.  Two are somewhat cerebral - dealing with inner work - while the third is more of a practical nature.

#1 To adult means to find moments of joy between endlessly solving problems.  This means that no matter what we do - no matter how much we attempt to control our environment and living situations - stuff happens.  It’s simply inevitable.  You can’t let dealing with said “stuff” - from the mildly annoying to the catastrophic - keep you from enjoying certain aspects of life.  If you get lost in the trauma, all that’s left for you is drama.

#2 To adult means to be comfortable with discomfort.  While I love self-help books, I really think they lie by painting the vision of a future that literally exists for NO ONE.  “Feeling good” doesn’t happen 100% of the time, even if you do everything that self-help gurus tell you to do.  Reality is this: sometimes things suck.  They just do.  Accept the “suck moments” as part of life, as background noise.  There are some things on which you can take immediate action and others you cannot.  I’m not saying to ignore bad circumstances, but rather to have boundaries and realize that you can only solve what you can solve at any given moment.

#3 To adult means to take responsibility for yourself and your current life situation completely, even if you can’t help what your family background and upbringing may have been.  Some of us came into life into adverse circumstances, such as I did with a family steeped in generations of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse.  Some of us were raised in extreme poverty, without knowing where our next meals would come from.  You can’t help that.  But, you need to know that the actions you take today CAN affect the rest of your life.  It’s vitally important to understand and unpack your past, particularly if you’re a survivor of trauma.  But it’s equally important to not get lost in it, to not lose your footing on the present moment, and to not become self-identified solely as a victim.  That strips you of your agency, and your ability to affect future changes.  Empower yourself as a survivor, someone who’s able to overcome adversity and someone who has learned to thrive.  You will never be a burden on anyone else if you take full responsibility for yourself.

Most of my future writing on this blog will deal with practical “adulting” topics, mainly related to my third definition.  Taking responsibility, taking care of yourself, redefining self-care.

And I’m curious - what is your definition of adulting?  What types of topics do you feel would be beneficial to address in light of my third definition?

Thanks for reading and sharing!